Can you believe it? I'm actually listening to Metallica - Reload. Egad, I feel like I'm in highschool again, minus the gym-locker smell. Well, less of it anyway.

Life alone in the big world is strangely anticlimactic. I went through college thinking that maybe, just maybe, I'd get some sort of awesome job where I could grow creatively, make lotsa money (or at least some money), have tons of friends and throw all kinds of sexy parties in my fully-furnished condo, throw gold to the peasants from my horse, etc etc.

Instead I got a crappy job where I was allergic to all of the chemical used in the screenprinting process (resulting in a two-month-long migraine)...was hit on by the creepy boss (who had three different 20-year-old girlfriends, all blonde, in the two months I worked there) and, upon quitting, I was told not to worry about them being able to replace me, because artists are a "dime a dozen". So yeah, great first experience out there in the real world. I might have put up with it if they had paid me a living wage as the physical job itself was okay, but they didn't and I had to live in my parent's basement the whole time. Joy.

I didn't realize it at the time, because I was so grateful to be given a chance in an art-related job, but they really didn't treat me too well there. I was over-eager to please and let people push me around. For example, on more than one occasion I was told to take my mandatory lunch break at 10.30 or so (I started work at 8.30) because they had nothing for me to do right at that moment...of course, come 2 or so (when I'm actually hungry) I'm out there faxing all their crap for them while they sit in the breakroom eating from the delicious Thai takeout place down the street (did they ask me if I wanted to order anything? No, because I'd already taken my lunch, silly!)...yeah, this happened a few times, and worse stuff too.

So right now I'm feeling pretty crappy. I finally got a job up here, it pays less than my job at Medieval Times - make that, my starting wage at Medieval Times back in 2003 - but some money is better than no money. Of course, they can't take me on full time, so my weekly paycheck looks awfully pathetic Don't get me wrong, I actually like my new job, but it just makes me feel bad that I put all that effort into my art to become a part-time assistant secretary. (Translation - I open mail and pay bills)

I guess it's my own fault for not being aggressive enough. If I had pushed myself on people, "networked" (oh how I loathe that word)...maybe I would be doing something with my life.

As it is I feel cruddy. I have no friends up here...and yes, that actually means NO FRIENDS. I don't know anyone except David's family and some of the people I work with...and my parents cancelled coming to visit me this month because my dad got a job contract he couldn't pass up.

Some good things about this situation, though:

No TV = Tons of artwork! I don't post it here, but you DA ninjas can find it I'm sure.

I now know a ridiculous amount of Star Trek trivia from watching every ep of TNG, VGR and DS9 ad nauseum. TOS still to come.

No ties, save the lease on this apartment.

I HAVE MY OWN APARTMENT! Oh lordy I love living alone.

I dunno. I guess this series of events (and others I don't feel like discussing on here) have made me lose faith in my abilities. Hence the gradual abandonment of all activity on this account. I just feel like there's no real point to it, you know?

Maybe I'm just rambling on in this goddamn emo journal. Well, whatever. Feels good to ramble sometimes, even when no one's really listening.